Life.Currenttoday.com - 2 Cents

Do you ever feel like you are stuck in a reality that is suffocating your very life: that you are trapped and powerless to make the changes that can save you from the place that has captured your dreams and smothered your hopes?

You go to work at the same job you hated yesterday. You long all day for quitting time to get home–only to dribble the night away trying to grasp at illusive pleasures in a hobby or evening pass-time that remain ever dulled by the lingering knowledge that you will have to give up the evening’s quest all too soon, go to bed, and trudge through it all again tomorrow. “Please, God. Hurry the weekend.”

Let me introduce my daughter. She can help.

I have a wonderful daughter that has made great choices in her life. I am thankful. We have a great son in law–no grand babies yet, just a cute little rat terrier named Bambi of all things.

I have many amazing memories of my daughter growing up. Once, I awakened to an entire family size jar of Vaseline spread all over my chest, face, and hair and her loving little blue-green eyes looking at me, in my disbelief, as the reality of the moment became clear in my mind as sleep faded.

It took me two years to really enjoy an Oreo cookie after the little rascal had replaced the cream filling with tooth paste.

There is one that really stands out, and at the same time becomes a compelling look at the things that are truly meaningful in our lives.

When she was around three, we used to live in a two story house with one of those open stair cases. She used to LOVE to play this game that would make most sensible people cringe with anticipation. She would step up the stairs, higher and higher with each successive turn, and turn and yell, “Catch me daddy!” while she jumped with little regard as to how ready I appeared or not. Sometimes I would have to lunge half way up the steps to reach her in her jump. It wasn’t a game for the faint hearted. And believe me, she was never that. As long as daddy was there, she was too fearless for her own good.

Years later, we were living in a small single story home. The layout placed one side of the roof fairly low to the ground. There was a decorative brick wall at that same side of the house. My daughter was around nine or ten years old by then. One day we were playing with a Frisbee in the front yard. One of us threw it too high and it landed on the roof. “No problem,” I thought. “I’ll, just jump up on the roof from the top of that short wall.” So, I jumped up on the wall and placed my hands on the top of the roof to steady myself to hop up and then press up the rest of the way with my hands.

That’s when common sense kicked in. I had this really clear picture of not having quite enough momentum to carry me high enough; of my chest sliding back down the edge of the rough roofing; of missing the short wall with my feet; and of dashing myself all over the ground in several painful, hurtful bounces and bashes. So, I called for my fearless daughter to help.

“OK, honey. I’ll set you on top the roof. You go get the Frisbee and toss it down. Then, come back over and I’ll set you back down.”

It was a perfect plan. It was executed perfectly until . . . Until she had to come back over for me to set her down. Coming back down the roof proved to have a very different view of the ground than did going up the roof. She became terrified to come close enough for me to reach her to set her down.

She cried. I begged. She cried some more. I sternly exclaimed for her to “TRUST ME!!” This went on for several very aggravating moments that really tested my patience. “Why won’t you trust me? Come here. You can do it. Come HERE!!” She finally got just a little bit too close. So, I lunged and snagged her by the foot as she screamed, as I pulled, as she screamed, as I set her on the ground and exasperatedly finished it with “SEE? Why didn’t you trust me?”

I don’t remember if we played any more Frisbee or not. But, I do remember how much my baby had changed. My baby had lost faith.

Now, maybe I think too much. But this has become a compelling moment in my life. My daughter had just etched into my mind the sad story of many of our hopes and dreams.

I don’t remember failing her, but, somewhere along the way, common sense had over taken my daughter’s trust in my ability to catch her. She had moved from one who could lunge without concern to one who couldn’t even creep for fear of what could possibly go wrong.

I remember when I was sixteen. The world was mine for the taking. Nothing was out of my reach. Then, somewhere along the way, common sense kicked in. This has often fostered a sense of reality that leaves one wanting more.

So, how do we strike a balance between common sense, on the one hand, and releasing our greatest hopes and dreams, on the other? How do we make our reality a place worth living? Understand me. I’m not talking about some scheme to change our reality. I’m talking about reviving the kind of living that changes our SENSE of reality–that makes life worth living. We need an attitude for each day that fills it with opportunities for fulfillment as opposed to obstacles and road blocks keeping us from breathing the kind of breath that gives life.

First of all, a change of mind is needed. A common statement is very true here: “If you do tomorrow what you did today, don’t expect something different to happen.”

Ok, know this. I have seen as many unhappy christians or varied religious types as I have those of any other persuasion. The reality of living from day to day in a place that is full of fulfillment requires some motion and dynamic that isn’t only spiritual. Neither is it only philosophic. Neither is it only science or exercise.

As I think back to my daughter for help to know how to find joy there are several things that may help point the way.

First, she had a sense of abandon.

I think we have educated and directed ourselves down a road of cookie-cut life style and purpose. I wake to a routine that I know, to a drive to work that I know, to a job that I know, to people that I know [superficially], and to relationships that I know. The foundation these things lay, while very consistent and solid, becomes the rails on a hot-wheel track funneling me along into the mundane and dull. It may not be any greener on the other side of the fence. But, it IS the OTHER side of the fence. And that’s often enough. The hot-wheel wants to jump the track. It has to escape. There is no control over the direction of the track. “AaaaaaHHH.”

Second, she had no demands or expectations. Things just were as they were.

I’ve been trained. I’ve gotten a job. I’ve pursued a goal. I’ve operated as prescribed in a situation. Now, “I want what I deserve! Why am I not getting ahead? Why did THAT stupid person do better that I did? I did my homework! Where’s the payoff?”

Finally, she had faith.

Daddy had never dropped her. In fact, that wasn’t even a concept. It was all about the falling and the fun–of the attention and the joy of the moment. Just for the SAKE of the moment, in fact. Oblivious is a good word here.

So, how do we get it back? How do we get the kind of carefree back that makes what we do care about all full of the hope and fulfillment that it can be—that it has to be for us to truly enjoy life?

OK, how did we get like we are?

Pretty much, we are the product of what we have done, how we have thought, and what we have taken in over the course of our life times. Garbage in, garbage out.

These things are habitual. And while good habits are good–well, bad habits are bad. And, one might ask, “When does a good habit become bad?”

We aren’t robots. We have to live and breathe. Develop a habit of changing routine. Be spontaneous. Eat some place different. Even do something silly or uncalled for.

Next, look at the common things around you a second time. Examine it more closely. Don’t expect that you know it. Don’t describe it before hand. Describe it again and keep it fresh.

My friend at work brought some Harry Potter jelly beans for us to try. They have flavors of dirt and grass and several things I won’t mention. It set me thinking. How did I know that tasted like grass? Well, obviously, I must have tasted grass before!! When? Do you remember when you tasted grass? Ok, maybe I’m not suggesting that you run out and taste grass all over again. But, maybe I am! Do the DEW.

Finally, like it or not. We have to get rid of the skepticism that has replaced our faith. There is a kind of naivety that isn’t stupid. Yes, there is a difference. Believe it or not, there is a healthy gullibility that keeps things fun and fresh.

Now, if you were trying to quit smoking, yet, never put down cigarettes or reduced how much you smoked, do you think you would ever quit? DUH.

So, if you get up tomorrow fully knowing what tomorrow holds, and treat tomorrow like you treated today and yesterday, what can you expect? DUH.

OK, tomorrow, let’s all get up and eat some grass! Well, anyway, lets step back from each moment that comes and redefine it. Let’s try something new. Let’s do something that wasn’t expected. Even if you can’t put into words exactly what it means for every situation, I think “Do the DEW” says it pretty well.

Have some faith.

Regards.

PS. I know “do the DEW” isn’t the best way to put it. It’s just that all that craziness and jumping out past the normal day that they use on those commercials is encapsulated into that one little statement. So, forgive me if you think I’m being trite.

It’s funny how we have so many misconceptions throughout our lives. The older we get, the more we learn. The more we learn the more we know we don’t know.

I often joke about how someday I will have learned so much, I won’t know anything at all.

I also poke fun at my marriage in similar ways. It is a familiar question to ask someone you don’t see every day, “How are you doing?” Or, “How’s it going?” I commonly respond to this with something like: “Fine. Well. . . I think I’m doing fine. I haven’t talked to my wife yet today. Sometimes when I think I’m doing fine, she’ll let me know I’m mistaken.”

Little quips like this are fun to play with and usually harmless. Many of us tend to develop a number of such quips that we use to avoid a serious conversation. Usually because we are too lazy to really get to know someone, as if we needed another person in our lives to worry about.

So, we go about our lives with a set of superficial relationships with their respective superficial interactions. It’s not that we don’t care about people. It’s that we care TOO much, and don’t need another person’s problems tearing at our hearts. At least that’s what we tell ourselves. It’s probably closer to the truth that we are so selfish, we don’t want someone interfering with our life. Maybe it’s in between the two extremes. Let your own guilt trip tell you where you’re at.

Anyway, I’ve noticed how easy it is to develop a crust over our true selves. Sometimes it happens because we’ve been hurt. But, it can also happen because we have filled our time up with being busy. Between work, home responsibilities, TV time, computer time, and personal time, we don’t have time for relationships.

Now, this is tough enough when it comes to people outside our inner circle. The problem with many of us is that it is creeping in on our inner circle as well. Worse, it is becoming the definition of our generation. We don’t have time for others. We don’ have time for our family. And, we don’t have time for our spouse.

A while back, my wife’s and my friend married after many years of living single. A few weeks ago, she sent an email out to her entire address book with a change of email notice. That’s all fine, but she went on and on about how special her man was, how she changed her name, and wasn’t it so-o-o special how she changed her email to the absolutely perfect man’s name. She had changed her email to MRS.HisLastName@her.net and it was so scrumptious and sweet and—-my goodness, it was just stinking and reeking of sweetness over-full of giddy, puppy-like love. For crying out loud! Wasn’t she old enough to be past that!?

Shortly after, I realized how sad it was that any of us ‘get past that.’ I talk an awful lot about relationships. And, here was an example of what mine could be [it once was]. And, I was tromping it down in my mind as silly.

Well, we should all be so silly. I’m gonna open my wife’s car door all the time from now on. Even when we’re in my old beat up pick up truck, and it doesn’t seem as appropriate.

Anyway, you do it too. Do what it takes to keep your spouse feeling special. And, it wouldn’t hurt all of us to scrape away a little of the crust we have to reveal softer hearts toward others in our lives as well. We may find there’s a few folks out there that would make some really good friends.

Regards.

Change the following little story around however you wish. Has the following kind of argument ever happened in your house?

“You never help with the dishes.”
“You know I’m too clumsy to do dishes without breaking them. Besides, I mow the lawn.”
“Aww, ‘Bo Hoo’, you mow the lawn. That’s only in the summer, and that’s only once a week!
I do the laundry, vacuum the house, get the groceries, do the bills . . .”
“Shut UP!!”
“I pull my weight around here. Who took your car to the garage–Huh? Who hung the ceiling fan? Who makes the most mon–”
“—you had it running back wards for three weeks before my father came and straightened it out!”
“Oh, bring your stupid father into thi–”
“STUPID FATHER!?”
Blah, blah, blah————–

Regretfully, most of us have experienced this or something like it. This is a disaster about to happen in any relationship.

It is a relationship built on reward. Like it or not, this is the foundation all such relationships are built on: “I’ll love you if you give me what I want.”

What happens? Eventually, in any relationship like this, you won’t get what you want. All such relationships end up in one of two ways: Either they break up, or they live in separate compartments of existence in the same house–mostly linked together by the kids, common responsibilities, or just plain dogged commitment to keep it together. Neither condition is happy. Both partners in such a relationship are constantly wishing for something else. They abide the other partner, but that is the extent of it.

Such relationships find happiness in the kids, other friends, the house [and stuff], future goals, and the dreams of what will be [which will never be].

Did you hear about the guy who won the lottery and ran straight home. He got there and excitedly told his wife to pack her bags:
“Pack your bags, I’ve won the lottery!!”
“Should I pack for warm or cold weather,” she responded.
“I don’t care,” he retorted. “–As long as you’re out by tomorrow!”

That is funny, in a sick sort of way. But, the fact of the matter is that the underlying ‘funny’ part of it is that it is so descriptive of many relationships. And worse yet, that it at least touches our understanding of things in such a way that we understand where it is coming from; we are able to see it; And it becomes funny in that understanding. In other words: it’s funny because it’s a reality we have all seen, and many are experiencing or have experienced (not the lottery part, but the relationship). Since he has won the lottery, he doesn’t have to put up with this stupid, unhappy life he has been living.

Why would we all hold to the dream of a relationship out there somewhere that is completely fulfilling to us while so many of us live trapped lives–apparently having missed the dream?

It’s because we live in a reward oriented world.

We work for REWARD.
We get education for REWARD.
We obey for REWARD.
We play for REWARD.

Consequently, we are SO reward driven that:
We have friends for REWARD. And, we love for REWARD.

The honest truth of the matter is, we do it for what is in it for us.

Well, today, I’m going to tell you who to blame for our messed up, reward oriented way of living.

It’s the fault of the kindergarten teacher.

What did the kindergarten teacher do when you did anything the right way?

The teacher put a star on your chart!!

This was even reinforced with great ceremony. “Yaaay, everyone. Joey got a star on his chart!! He is only two stars behind Sara. Sara is so wonderful. Sara has more stars than anyone else. Yaaay for Sara!!”

Consequently, we all learned to live our lives for stars on our chart, and jewels on our crown.

You didn’t have a kindergarten teacher? It doesn’t matter. We were all treated like little dogs from the first day we began our training. Do the right thing, get a reward. Do the wrong thing, get punished or lose reward.

It becomes such a base component of how we interact with the world and others that we simply can’t bridge the gap into the selfless kind of living it takes to break open the relationship of our dreams.

You know that you have heard all your lives that good relationships are a 50/50 proposition. I call that a fair trade relationship. Believe me, a fair trade relationship might work with an employer, but, it will never work in a loving relationship. Any such relationship is headed for a YOU DO, I DO argument or set of rules.

How do you break out of a life time of selfish, reward based living? Understand this. If you don’t, then you are doomed to live in a very dismal relationship. And if you think you have a good relationship living in such a set of rules, you are missing out on life itself. You are to be pitied.

So, how DO you break out?

First of all, it won’t be easy. Nothing worth while ever seems to be easy.

You got where you are in life developing habits and living certain ways that rewarded you and by avoiding punishment. And it has been reinforced for all the years of your life. We are like monkeys that have learned to open one door for food, but not open one that shocks us. The way we are is deep-seated into our very fiber.

I’m going to tell you something that may break your heart. I don’t intend it to break your heart. I intend it to challenge you into the greatest journey you may have ever taken. It is this:

Dating services, counselors, parents, friends, common understanding, and all such helps in finding a mate will tell us to find a person with similar likes and dislikes. Don’t get me wrong in what I am about to say. I fully believe it is fun and makes for smoother living when we share likes and dislikes in relationships. But do you know why this is placed at such a high position in the things to look for in a mate? It is because most, yes MOST, relationships will never get past rewards based living. They can develop lasting, very meaningful, very fulfilling relationships, this it true. BUT, I am telling you right now that there is a place you can go. There is a place you can discover. There is a challenge that, when accepted, will take you into a relationship with your partner that is the greatest experience life can bring. Only spiritual things are this great, and this kind of relationship–this kind of love–actually becomes equal to such things.

Do NOT miss out on the greatest experience of love with your partner you could possibly ever have.

A fair trade relationship can be good. It can be wonderful. It can be fulfilling. It can last a life time. If this is all you want, fine. That’s not bad in the scope of things.

However, if you want to taste the sweetness of the sweetest fruit. If you want to bask in the refreshing intoxicant of true love, then you must accept the challenge to bridge the gap. You have to step into the world that isn’t rewards based where your lover is concerned.

It’s hard for all of us. But it is where we will finally thrive and revive from the dismal of all else when we finally taste it. And, the funny irony of it is that it has the greatest REWARD of all!!

It begins with placing the needs of our partner first. It is expressed in selfless acts of kindness, of self removal, and of pure desire for the best for our partner.

It is harder when only one gets the picture I’m painting here. It is difficult to step back when your partner is still operating in the world of selfishness and reward. But, trust me, they won’t be able to do it long. No, this kind of selflessness finds the same response in your partner.

It may take a while if you are in a harsher relationship. And, I WILL say, there are some relationships that have gone too far for repair–especially those with physical abuse. But, take the challenge. You will be surprised. You will be astounded.

What do you have to lose?

Well, only you can do this. Let me tell you that you CAN have the relationship of your dreams. You CAN live the life you always thought was out there, but couldn’t quite capture. You can experience the giddy, silly places of love that you thought were only in puppy love. And you can have it with the one you have.

Do it.

Do it now.

Regards.

What I’m about to share with you must be kept in the strictest confidence. If you cannot agree to keep quiet, then you must stop reading at this point. Seriously, I could get in a lot of trouble for years to come for sharing this openly.

You are sworn to silence.

This is something that has been hidden by all men for generations. In fact, you can’t tell anyone you know this, and especially can’t tell anyone you got it from me. I could be hunted and killed like a snake. Which is what the men reading this will think I am.

Yes, I will be labeled a traitor.

Anyway, Do you remember when you first got married, how you walked in on your husband when he was doing laundry?

I know this is like asking you to go to the library and sort through all the microfiche or dig through all the newspaper archives. But if you give it some effort, I’ll bet you can remember your man actually putting some clothes in a washer at least once.

What you likely didn’t know, until this betrayal, was that he had been waiting there for quite some time for you to walk in and see him. He might have even been making some noise to attract you into the laundry room. At the very least, he worked hard to make sure you were seeing him in the process of putting the clothes in the washer at just the right time to catch him.

OK, so you may feel that this is much to do about nothing. Well, that is where you are mistaken.

This is, and has been for 3 generations, actually since the late 1940’s, a closely guarded secret with sworn silence. The young men returning from World War II had all been involved in this–actually indoctrinated. It began with high-ranking marines and filtered its way through to every branch of the military. In fact, this wasn’t just an American phenomenon. It made it’s way through the ranks of all the allied troops. In fact, you’ll find much higher, more polished forms of this in Great Britain–albeit some Canadian forms, while somewhat obscure, are well refined.

Men train up their sons in this religiously. In fact, I’m almost compelled by the shear force of revere and brotherhood to break off this discloser at once.

For you women out there that really believe your husband is truly stupid about washing clothes, I have news for you. We really know what colors not to mix. Come on. Think about it. Only and idiot wouldn’t know this. Do you think for half a second that our putting the reds and whites together wasn’t a carefully calculated plan to never have to help with laundry again?

Ok guys. I’m truly sorry. But 3 generations of this distortion of truth just had to be set right. I’m to be pitied for being the one to do it–I know.

Well, I’m a bit taken back as to whether I should share the whole of it or not . . .

Oh, why not. Let’s just make a clean sweep of it, while we’re at it.

I know you ladies have had the pleasure, be it a rare pleasure, of finding your man doing the dishes (sorry guys). This is more of the same, but with a different twist.

This behavior actually didn’t develop until the wide spread use of automatic dishwashers. It has two forms.

The first form is related to the laundry event. It has the same goal, namely: to never have to help with dishes again.

It usually expresses itself in dropping one of the more noisy pieces of the finer silverware. It is done in a fashion designed to attract the most attention. The door of the dishwasher is wide open with all the rest, that could be fit, of the china and silverware in the dishwasher. “Oh dear.” is the intended spousal response. Yes, “oh dear.”

Oh dear, and Voila! No more dishes for such and ignorant man.

Now the second form this behavior has exhibited is expressed in attention just the same, but attention for another purpose. It takes the form of filling the dishwasher with all the dirty dishes, but, instead of removing the chore from the man’s list of things he can do, is designed to be raised as a memorial to the man’s help and support of his darling wife. This will sometimes be done prior to a request for getting a computer or some other thing he wants, but it is often used just to get points for later use as well.

This second form, while not quite as malevolent as the first, can be quite devious. Especially when one considers that the man may have had the dishwasher loaded for the better part of a day waiting for the wife to be in just the right spot at just the right time for the greatest impact.

Well, there. You have it. I may have just signed my own death warrant, but right is right. Now, I can go to bed with a clear conscience. One of the first in over 60 years of keeping such a thing from our women.

Forgive me.

Regards.