I love my wife of 23 years. Over those years I have discovered the secret to a happy marriage. I’m talking about marital bliss! It is holding true to this day, even after our daughter has married, started her own life, and left us to really know if we love each other or not.
In the early days, I recall after just a few short weeks of marriage, when my wife–possibly the sweetest person on the planet, incapable of harming or even wishing harm on anyone–threw her hair brush at me with all the fullness of a completely matured anger. No. Wrath is the word here. Yes, wrath is what I remember.
How did I react?
Well, in my ever polished constitution, and well rehearsed ability to turn any situation to my good, right or wrong–known to be genetic in men–I laughed at her as her anger had overcome her ability to actually throw anything with any degree of accuracy, and the brush had bounced quite harmlessly almost at her feet directly in front of her and well off target–presuming my head to be the object of her ill-aimed missile.
“Well . . .” Nothing else. “Well” is all I need to say here. You can imagine how this whole thing progressed.
To make this story short, and to get back to my discovery of how to actually have a happy marriage, I’ll just say that the ridiculousness of that day, what I had done to make her angry, her anger, the quarrel we had afterward, and my stomping off down the street: “never to come back,” is made all the more, and utterly ridiculous by the fact that neither I nor my wife can muster even a hint of a clue to what the whole thing was about!! And this isn’t only after these 23 years. We had this discussion just a few years after that day, and couldn’t revive as much as a whim as to what we were arguing about.
So what is it–the secret to marital bliss??
Ok, don’t laugh.
I know this will seem tongue and cheek.
Yes, it can even be produced quite humorously.
But give it a second to digest.
What is the secret to marital bliss?
The man has two things to do. The woman has one thing to do. Both have to do their part with one single, all encompassing key element at the heart of how they live and interact.
First, the man has to practice this phrase, and get it exactly right every time:
“OK.”
That’s it. “OK.”
But, it has to be said like this “ooOokAyee” –spoken like a sigh mixed with conviction, almost musically, and not too much emphasis on the ‘k’. It must not be defined too well. But, it has to pass as actually being responsive.
It can’t be like “mmooOokAyee”.
NO.
That is obviously the ole I’m-ignoring-you-as-I-look-over-my-newspaper-pad-response-to-anything kind of ‘OK’. That just doesn’t work, and is a primary ingredient for a failed marriage. Getting this right is absolutely critical. Don’t continue until you have it mastered.
Perhaps equally important, arguably more important, the man has to occasionally–albeit dutifully–perform in response to those times when his ‘OK’ was in response to a question that was actually asking him to do something. For example:
“Honey, will you pick up the dry cleaning for me?”
–”OK.”
As you can see. This just wouldn’t show the man in a good light were he to overlook the request. In fact, this would further magnify his lack of attention to his wife. This would foster a disdain in her heart for him, when the intent was to shine favor his way. Might I say on the side, “it all happens in her heart.” Remember that.
So, the second thing the man must do in this quest for bliss is fully related to the first–if not directly produced by it. Yes, indeed, it’s born to it.
Secondly, the man must practice this phrase, and have it down even more perfectly than his ‘OK’.
It is this:
“OO_[pause]_I’m sorry.”
This is critical. If there is failure in getting this correct in the absolute sense of correctness–no, perfection–then the marriage will fail. And even a perfect ‘OK’ can’t help, and will only make it worse. In fact, the more perfect the ‘OK’, the more critical it is that you have this polished.
“OO_[pause]” can’t be like the Simpson’s “DuOH_[pause”. It has the same shortness and intensity, but is expressed with a mournful remorse that is filled with exasperation. This absolutely must not even touch the sense that the man is spurning the moment. NO. This simply has to bear all the fullness of the honesty that can only be inherent in the greatest of hurts for having fallen short in an extreme endeavor in one’s life, yet expressing no hope or glint of desire for being excused. If you don’t have these language skills, your marriage will either fail or faint off into the abyss of grunts and shrugs when nothing else remains that won’t get you into trouble.
Believe me. If you can’t get “OO_[pause]_I’m sorry” correct, then you may just as well get separate bedrooms now. Grunts and groans can be mused to some level of interaction at a distance.
It isn’t required in quite the same level of perfection, but you want to combine this with the proper facial expressions and body language. Wolf packs have this down. Be properly subdued. Let her know she is ‘alpha’ dominant at this point if you can stomach it. However, this can be side-stepped to the degree you perfect your “OO_[pause]_I’m sorry.” The better you sound, the less body language required to make this work.
Practice these things often.
Ok, now we’re mostly there, but the woman’s part in this makes the man’s part in this possible. In fact, if the woman is unable to do this, the man will fail in his part and the marriage will fail. So, ultimately, the woman is in the control–no surprise there.
Every once in a while, even if it isn’t believed to be ‘exactly’ true in her heart, the woman MUST on occasion tell the man, “You’re right.”
If she works at it, she can find opportunities for this almost every day. It doesn’t have to happen every day, mind you, but the more often, the better.
This can be made much easier for the woman to do by finding the smaller, less important opportunities to do this. Then, it won’t have as much significance to her. This will allow her to get the words out more easily. What ever it takes, she simply has to find the strength to force this out as often as possible. This will bolster his confidence in the extreme, and develop an impervious sense of self esteem. After all, it’s all in his head not in his heart. So, while it can be made meaningless for her, it becomes powerful for him. Right?
Remember, the more often she tells him, “You’re right,” the better. It’s critical to the performance of his part in a perfect marriage and the reward is worth it.
Now, what’s left?
Well this isn’t actually an ‘action’ that either partner takes, but it is the glue that makes all the rest of it work.
Simply put it’s this: Nothing really matters that much.
So, get over it. Life is too important. It’s all small stuff.
Your personal happiness, your lives together, and your marital bliss is the important stuff.
As a friend of mine puts it: “suck it up.” I guess that sums it up.
Well,
Regards.
