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What I am about to share with you could save your marriage or relationship. 

For you men out there, this might hurt. It might even make you feel a little like gagging. Believe me. The payback is tremendous. You will want to make sure you take steps in your life to follow the instruction I give you here to the best of your ability.    

I know there is no surprise when someone says that women are in control. That is why I am about to really burst your bubble. 

The truth of the matter is this: the man is in control of the happiness in a marriage. OK, ok. I won’t argue the finer points of who wears the pants. I’m just telling you that the sooner you realize that you as the man control the level of happiness in your relationship, the better off you’ll be. AND, the sooner you’ll see a shift in the one you love, when you put to practice the steps for real love to grow. 

A few weeks ago, my wife and I were returning from some busy thing in our lives that I can’t remember. It was very cold outside, being the dead of winter. We were in her car, and the oil light had come on. So we pulled into the convenient store around the corner of our house for me to go in and get some oil. As we pulled in, I asked if she needed gas while we were there. 

“Sure,” she responded. “That would save me having to do it in the cold.” 

So, I filled her car up and opened the hood to check the oil level. When I went in to pay for the gas and get a quart of oil, I noticed they had some clipped roses packed as singles by the counter. 

Now, pay attention to this. This was an opportunity. You want to practice seeing and recognizing opportunities like this. This is critical to maintaining and developing a thriving relationship where the right kind of sparks fly. Earlier in our marriage, I used to allow most of the opportunities to pass me by. Don’t make the same mistake in your marriage. Making the most out of every opportunity to make your wife feel special will make all the difference between happiness and dullness. And when your wife feels special, you can count on it. You’ll be treated special and the happiness will ignite all kinds of little rewards that go both directions in your relationship.   

You guessed it. I bought her a rose. 

But, you can still ruin the whole thing if you don’t get it right at this point. I didn’t just tromp back out to the car with my oil in one hand and a rose in the other. NO, that just won’t do. I carefully placed the rose inside my coat and walked out as if nothing was special at all. I put the oil in the car, closed the hood, and tossed the empty container in the trash all without event. 

Then, I walked to her car door and motioned for her to open her window as if to tell her something that couldn’t happen in the car. The moment she opened the window, with all the skill and grace of a Robin Hood wielding his sword, I stooped and kissed her before she could realize what was happening, pulled the rose from my coat and very, very sweetly–almost whispered, but with great conviction–told her, “I love you.” 

Now, have you ever seen a woman melt? Trust me in this. This will make her melt right before your very eyes. This is guaranteed.   

OK, now the men out there that are gagging right now can continue down the dismal road of a marriage that has lost all of its pizzazz and mystery. Remember, you are making your own road. In deed, you are in control of happiness in your marriage. 

Do you ever find yourself thinking of your life in a different set of circumstances with longing in your heart for things to be different? This is one of the main signs of a lack of happiness. I’m telling you it is under your control. If you keep feeding dreams that shouldn’t be, then you will destroy what you have and likely never get what you were dreaming about either. You’ll be left with nothing.   

Romance doesn’t just happen. No. That’s called lust. You have to practice romance. It’s an art with great rewards. Understand this. No amount of romance, no amount of sweetness, no effort of any kind can fix what you hurt with harsh words spoken in anger or spite to the one you love. Harsh words cut to the depth of the soul. They destroy utterly and completely. They can be forgiven, but they will never heal without leaving a mark.   

Do not ever get into the you-hurt-me-I’ll-hurt-you syndrome. First of all, you’re a selfish baby if you do. Secondly, a relationship built on being compelled to do what the other partner wants in order to avoid being treated in this childish manner will never last. The cycle has to stop somewhere. Always be quick to say you’re sorry. 

Now here’s a hard one for all of us. But, this is possibly the strongest remedy for the tough times in any relationship.   

Be willing to be wrong. 

I’m not talking about some pitiful act. This isn’t a feel sorry for me quest for patronage. I’m talking about a life changing humility that is actually WILLING to be wrong.   

You’ll find most the situations that come your way, which could go badly, will never materialize if you live life with this kind of attitude. This isn’t just true in your relationship. 

Finally, before I go, NEVER ever never get into a fair trade relationship. “You do this. I’ll do that.” Or, as it usually goes: “I would do that if YOU would do this!”  That is a dead end. It doesn’t work. It never has worked. It never will work.    

You have heard it said that marriage is a 50/50 proposition. Well, I’m here to tell you ”that’s stupid.” That’s a formula for failure from the beginning. That’s a fair trade relationship. 

Remember this: A marriage is a 100/100 proposition—each giving to the other without expecting anything in return. And, the beauty of it is that both get blessed with happiness.   

So, remember. You’re in complete control of happiness in your relationship. Never let the romance die. Practice romance. Give 100%. It’s worth it. 

Regards. 

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I love my wife of 23 years. Over those years I have discovered the secret to a happy marriage. I’m talking about marital bliss! It is holding true to this day, even after our daughter has married, started her own life, and left us to really know if we love each other or not.

In the early days, I recall after just a few short weeks of marriage, when my wife–possibly the sweetest person on the planet, incapable of harming or even wishing harm on anyone–threw her hair brush at me with all the fullness of a completely matured anger. No. Wrath is the word here. Yes, wrath is what I remember.

How did I react?

Well, in my ever polished constitution, and well rehearsed ability to turn any situation to my good, right or wrong–known to be genetic in men–I laughed at her as her anger had overcome her ability to actually throw anything with any degree of accuracy, and the brush had bounced quite harmlessly almost at her feet directly in front of her and well off target–presuming my head to be the object of her ill-aimed missile.

“Well . . .” Nothing else. “Well” is all I need to say here. You can imagine how this whole thing progressed.

To make this story short, and to get back to my discovery of how to actually have a happy marriage, I’ll just say that the ridiculousness of that day, what I had done to make her angry, her anger, the quarrel we had afterward, and my stomping off down the street: “never to come back,” is made all the more, and utterly ridiculous by the fact that neither I nor my wife can muster even a hint of a clue to what the whole thing was about!! And this isn’t only after these 23 years. We had this discussion just a few years after that day, and couldn’t revive as much as a whim as to what we were arguing about.

So what is it–the secret to marital bliss??

Ok, don’t laugh.

I know this will seem tongue and cheek.

Yes, it can even be produced quite humorously.

But give it a second to digest.

What is the secret to marital bliss?

The man has two things to do. The woman has one thing to do. Both have to do their part with one single, all encompassing key element at the heart of how they live and interact.

First, the man has to practice this phrase, and get it exactly right every time:

“OK.”

That’s it. “OK.”

But, it has to be said like this “ooOokAyee” –spoken like a sigh mixed with conviction, almost musically, and not too much emphasis on the ‘k’. It must not be defined too well. But, it has to pass as actually being responsive.

It can’t be like “mmooOokAyee”.

NO.

That is obviously the ole I’m-ignoring-you-as-I-look-over-my-newspaper-pad-response-to-anything kind of ‘OK’. That just doesn’t work, and is a primary ingredient for a failed marriage. Getting this right is absolutely critical. Don’t continue until you have it mastered.

Perhaps equally important, arguably more important, the man has to occasionally–albeit dutifully–perform in response to those times when his ‘OK’ was in response to a question that was actually asking him to do something. For example:

“Honey, will you pick up the dry cleaning for me?”
–”OK.”

As you can see. This just wouldn’t show the man in a good light were he to overlook the request. In fact, this would further magnify his lack of attention to his wife. This would foster a disdain in her heart for him, when the intent was to shine favor his way. Might I say on the side, “it all happens in her heart.” Remember that.

So, the second thing the man must do in this quest for bliss is fully related to the first–if not directly produced by it. Yes, indeed, it’s born to it.

Secondly, the man must practice this phrase, and have it down even more perfectly than his ‘OK’.

It is this:

“OO_[pause]_I’m sorry.”

This is critical. If there is failure in getting this correct in the absolute sense of correctness–no, perfection–then the marriage will fail. And even a perfect ‘OK’ can’t help, and will only make it worse. In fact, the more perfect the ‘OK’, the more critical it is that you have this polished.

“OO_[pause]” can’t be like the Simpson’s “DuOH_[pause”. It has the same shortness and intensity, but is expressed with a mournful remorse that is filled with exasperation. This absolutely must not even touch the sense that the man is spurning the moment. NO. This simply has to bear all the fullness of the honesty that can only be inherent in the greatest of hurts for having fallen short in an extreme endeavor in one’s life, yet expressing no hope or glint of desire for being excused. If you don’t have these language skills, your marriage will either fail or faint off into the abyss of grunts and shrugs when nothing else remains that won’t get you into trouble.

Believe me. If you can’t get “OO_[pause]_I’m sorry” correct, then you may just as well get separate bedrooms now. Grunts and groans can be mused to some level of interaction at a distance.

It isn’t required in quite the same level of perfection, but you want to combine this with the proper facial expressions and body language. Wolf packs have this down. Be properly subdued. Let her know she is ‘alpha’ dominant at this point if you can stomach it. However, this can be side-stepped to the degree you perfect your “OO_[pause]_I’m sorry.” The better you sound, the less body language required to make this work.
Practice these things often.

Ok, now we’re mostly there, but the woman’s part in this makes the man’s part in this possible. In fact, if the woman is unable to do this, the man will fail in his part and the marriage will fail. So, ultimately, the woman is in the control–no surprise there.
Every once in a while, even if it isn’t believed to be ‘exactly’ true in her heart, the woman MUST on occasion tell the man, “You’re right.”

If she works at it, she can find opportunities for this almost every day. It doesn’t have to happen every day, mind you, but the more often, the better.

This can be made much easier for the woman to do by finding the smaller, less important opportunities to do this. Then, it won’t have as much significance to her. This will allow her to get the words out more easily. What ever it takes, she simply has to find the strength to force this out as often as possible. This will bolster his confidence in the extreme, and develop an impervious sense of self esteem. After all, it’s all in his head not in his heart. So, while it can be made meaningless for her, it becomes powerful for him. Right?

Remember, the more often she tells him, “You’re right,” the better. It’s critical to the performance of his part in a perfect marriage and the reward is worth it.

Now, what’s left?

Well this isn’t actually an ‘action’ that either partner takes, but it is the glue that makes all the rest of it work.

Simply put it’s this: Nothing really matters that much.

So, get over it. Life is too important. It’s all small stuff.

Your personal happiness, your lives together, and your marital bliss is the important stuff.

As a friend of mine puts it: “suck it up.” I guess that sums it up.

Well,
Regards.

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