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Today marks one week since I watched my dad die.

I called mom again yesterday. We talked about how she was feeling and how the family back home was doing. She said she was going to clear out dad’s stuff. She just couldn’t bear it being around anymore. I told her she might want to give it a little time first. It would seem a shame to get rid of everything and then wish you had it back.

Then we chatted about her hobbies and things she could do now. I told her she should take the time to do things she had always wanted to do. I told her not to even give the slightest thought to expense. It didn’t matter to my brother or me if there was even one penny left. My brother and I both live just fine. She should take some time with a friend and travel the world–enjoy the things she always wanted to see and do.

I started naming places to visit and friends she could ask along for the trip. She had a reason not to consider each friend. She had a reason not to see each place. After a bit, when I had just about narrowed in on the perfect place, and the perfect friend, she started crying. She couldn’t speak for a moment. Then she sobbed over the phone.

She sobbed, “I don’t want to go anywhere anymore. I don’t want to do anything. We always went everywhere together. I can’t imagine going anywhere without him.”

Well, now I had done it. What I wanted to be a consoling call from her son had turned into a painful reminder of lost love.

All the wonderful stories of puppy love, of first love, of happy ever after had lived out between my mom and dad. They would have completed fifty wonderful years together within just a year and a half. Now, suddenly, it was all over. We were at the fairy tale’s end. We had discovered the ‘after’ that follows ‘happily ever after.’

This wasn’t a romance gone sour. This wasn’t a wanton dream of forbidden fruit that had faded from hope. This wasn’t an ideal dreamed and forever out of reach. This was the romance. This was the dream. This was the fruit fully enjoyed. And now that it was lost, this was the greatest kind of lost love. This was a thing to savor, now gone, now stolen. What was left was the deepest emptiness one could fathom. A hole in the soul.

Mom’s soul mate was gone.

This last week has brought some things home to me. I have looked at my daughter with a new look. I have considered priorities with a new born arrangement. I have genuinely examined my wife from this new vantage and found that I love her all the more.

Let me challenge you to make every effort to bask in the relationships you have, while you have them. You are living each moment for the last time. Taste it. Smell it. Relish it with all the desperation of the deepest breath drawn at the surface of the water from a dive to the furthest reaches your consciousness would allow.

Know the time. Know the riches of this moment’s passing. Heap up the pleasure of being and of being known. Love one another.

Regards.

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Have you ever sat thinking about something that happened to you in the past, even years ago, and felt all the emotions of the moment all over again?

Boy, I sure have. And that remembered moment can ruin the day I’m having now! Is that not bizarre?

I can remember when I was around twelve years old, before my voice changed, and I was singing in a group. We were at camp standing around a campfire. There was this really, really cute girl in front of me. She turned around and said to me, “You have a very nice voice.” Ok, maybe I was a late bloomer for one, but I know by what I said to her that I was a complete idiot.

I responded to her, “I know,” with all the graces of a complete moron.

What on earth was I thinking?

Was I always that stupid?

What ever happened to “Thank you,” or “You’re very kind,” or even “Well, you’re very cute. What’s your name?”

For crying out loud, I could have said almost anything EXCEPT what I did say!

So, any time I want to feel absolutely ridiculous, I can just think of that moment. It’s amazing how emotions work in the first place. It’s even more amazing how they work with our memories–and that they can be just as powerful when the moment is remembered.

Power and Control come to my mind when I think about emotion. Emotion can be completely crippling. It can also drive us to the point that it even alters our personality.

Most of us have a certain level of confidence. Some more, some less. It is wired in directly with how we are feeling about ourselves at any given point. It establishes the life background of healthy pride that carries us. When it is damaged or attacked, it shakes us at the very core of our emotional stability.

I call it my stupid button. Do NOT press my stupid button.

I can be having an entirely un-eventful day, or even a great day, and have it totally changed when my stupid button is pressed.

My stupid button is wired directly to both my established level of confidence and my personal pride. When you press my stupid button, both of these core elements in my stability are attacked simultaneously. This triggers the emotion that we commonly call embarrassment.

Well, being embarrassed by itself is one thing. But FEELING embarrassed because someone made us feel stupid, consequently shaking our very foundation, is like pushing the last radioactive rod into the reactor. If something isn’t done quickly, there will be an explosion.

This is where I’ve told people things like, “Go outside and practice falling down. I’ll be out in a minute,” and I wasn’t joking. This will take a full grown man back to a teenager in a chest pushing contest of, “come on, punk. Let’s go punk.”

So, don’t make me stupid.

Why am I sharing this? Because, this isn’t just true at work. This isn’t just true playing your favorite sport. This isn’t just true in a classroom. This isn’t just true in a fight or a debate [often the point of a debate].

This is most true with those you love.

Indeed, the most hurt, the worst fights, the most damage I can remember in my marriage was a direct consequence of pressing my wife’s stupid button.

Now, we could all argue that we should have better self control. The difficulty here is our relationships are the places we have made ourselves vulnerable. The closer the relationship, the more vulnerable we are. And, a truly loving marriage even paints a perfect target in the dead center of our stupid buttons. We know it all, and we know how to press it just right.

I have ruined some of the best times with my wife in the past by pressing her stupid button. I often interact with friends by having to be saying comical things in a conversation. When I meet new people, I try even harder to make things fun with laughter and light-heartedness. So what comes out the easiest? Where do any comedian’s jokes come from? Friends, family, life, and experience are the sources of all our good stuff.

It’s rather incredible more public comedians aren’t maimed, hurt, and killed by their loved ones. Their loved ones are so often the center of their quips and routines. The same goes for preachers. I guarantee Sunday lunch has had it’s share of the wife’s scorn for words that she knows he should never have made public–and which he is very sorry he did.

So, guard your words. Practice keeping your mind a couple of phrases ahead of your mouth.

And, where your wife is concerned, don’t you dare push that stupid button. Believe me. It will ruin your day. It will ruin your night. It can ruin the next several days and nights. It’s just plain stupid.

Find some new material.

Regards.

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What I am about to share with you could save your marriage or relationship. 

For you men out there, this might hurt. It might even make you feel a little like gagging. Believe me. The payback is tremendous. You will want to make sure you take steps in your life to follow the instruction I give you here to the best of your ability.    

I know there is no surprise when someone says that women are in control. That is why I am about to really burst your bubble. 

The truth of the matter is this: the man is in control of the happiness in a marriage. OK, ok. I won’t argue the finer points of who wears the pants. I’m just telling you that the sooner you realize that you as the man control the level of happiness in your relationship, the better off you’ll be. AND, the sooner you’ll see a shift in the one you love, when you put to practice the steps for real love to grow. 

A few weeks ago, my wife and I were returning from some busy thing in our lives that I can’t remember. It was very cold outside, being the dead of winter. We were in her car, and the oil light had come on. So we pulled into the convenient store around the corner of our house for me to go in and get some oil. As we pulled in, I asked if she needed gas while we were there. 

“Sure,” she responded. “That would save me having to do it in the cold.” 

So, I filled her car up and opened the hood to check the oil level. When I went in to pay for the gas and get a quart of oil, I noticed they had some clipped roses packed as singles by the counter. 

Now, pay attention to this. This was an opportunity. You want to practice seeing and recognizing opportunities like this. This is critical to maintaining and developing a thriving relationship where the right kind of sparks fly. Earlier in our marriage, I used to allow most of the opportunities to pass me by. Don’t make the same mistake in your marriage. Making the most out of every opportunity to make your wife feel special will make all the difference between happiness and dullness. And when your wife feels special, you can count on it. You’ll be treated special and the happiness will ignite all kinds of little rewards that go both directions in your relationship.   

You guessed it. I bought her a rose. 

But, you can still ruin the whole thing if you don’t get it right at this point. I didn’t just tromp back out to the car with my oil in one hand and a rose in the other. NO, that just won’t do. I carefully placed the rose inside my coat and walked out as if nothing was special at all. I put the oil in the car, closed the hood, and tossed the empty container in the trash all without event. 

Then, I walked to her car door and motioned for her to open her window as if to tell her something that couldn’t happen in the car. The moment she opened the window, with all the skill and grace of a Robin Hood wielding his sword, I stooped and kissed her before she could realize what was happening, pulled the rose from my coat and very, very sweetly–almost whispered, but with great conviction–told her, “I love you.” 

Now, have you ever seen a woman melt? Trust me in this. This will make her melt right before your very eyes. This is guaranteed.   

OK, now the men out there that are gagging right now can continue down the dismal road of a marriage that has lost all of its pizzazz and mystery. Remember, you are making your own road. In deed, you are in control of happiness in your marriage. 

Do you ever find yourself thinking of your life in a different set of circumstances with longing in your heart for things to be different? This is one of the main signs of a lack of happiness. I’m telling you it is under your control. If you keep feeding dreams that shouldn’t be, then you will destroy what you have and likely never get what you were dreaming about either. You’ll be left with nothing.   

Romance doesn’t just happen. No. That’s called lust. You have to practice romance. It’s an art with great rewards. Understand this. No amount of romance, no amount of sweetness, no effort of any kind can fix what you hurt with harsh words spoken in anger or spite to the one you love. Harsh words cut to the depth of the soul. They destroy utterly and completely. They can be forgiven, but they will never heal without leaving a mark.   

Do not ever get into the you-hurt-me-I’ll-hurt-you syndrome. First of all, you’re a selfish baby if you do. Secondly, a relationship built on being compelled to do what the other partner wants in order to avoid being treated in this childish manner will never last. The cycle has to stop somewhere. Always be quick to say you’re sorry. 

Now here’s a hard one for all of us. But, this is possibly the strongest remedy for the tough times in any relationship.   

Be willing to be wrong. 

I’m not talking about some pitiful act. This isn’t a feel sorry for me quest for patronage. I’m talking about a life changing humility that is actually WILLING to be wrong.   

You’ll find most the situations that come your way, which could go badly, will never materialize if you live life with this kind of attitude. This isn’t just true in your relationship. 

Finally, before I go, NEVER ever never get into a fair trade relationship. “You do this. I’ll do that.” Or, as it usually goes: “I would do that if YOU would do this!”  That is a dead end. It doesn’t work. It never has worked. It never will work.    

You have heard it said that marriage is a 50/50 proposition. Well, I’m here to tell you ”that’s stupid.” That’s a formula for failure from the beginning. That’s a fair trade relationship. 

Remember this: A marriage is a 100/100 proposition—each giving to the other without expecting anything in return. And, the beauty of it is that both get blessed with happiness.   

So, remember. You’re in complete control of happiness in your relationship. Never let the romance die. Practice romance. Give 100%. It’s worth it. 

Regards. 

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